Welcome back to the Doctor Rich Channel! Hayley Morris is famous for Hotel Vagina. This time we’re reacting to Butt Hole-Tel!
Don’t have time to read this post? Watch the video here instead!
[In the video, a woman in a black hoodie walks up to a disheveled woman working at a computer with a sign reading “Butt Hole-Tel: 1 star.” All characters are played by Hayley Morris.]
Poop [looking around, awestruck]:
Whoa…
Receptionist [annoyed]:
Welcome to Butt Hole-tel. How can I help you?
Poop:
Hi — uh…I’m checking in for my one night stay.
Receptionist:
Where have you come from?
Poop:
Well, not to gloat…but I came from a whole family-sized bag of chocolates!
Receptionist [impatiently handing Poop the room key]:
Room Four. Checkout is at 7:06 AM on the dot!
[Screen goes dark, and a caption reading “1 Hour Later” appears, and an evacuation alarm sounds.]
Doctor Rich:
So one night’s day after eating a family-sized bag of chocolates at the Butt Hole-Tel is not *entirely* accurate. The normal transit time — from when you eat something, to the time it comes out the other end — is about two to five days. The amount of time it takes for food to get through the stomach is about two to four hours, another ten to twenty to thirty hours in the small bowel, and another thirty-six hours in the colon.
Now, certainly you’ve had the experience where you’ve eaten something — and shortly thereafter you’re running to the bathroom! There IS something called a gastrocolic reflex, where the stomach distends and that sends signals to your bowel to let it go. But that’s not the food that you just ate — that’s stuff that’s been in there for a while.
Poop [panicked, against the wall]:
What on earth’s going on here?!
Receptionist:
This is a forced evacuation!
Poop:
I’m not ready to leave! I’m meant to be here for a day!
Receptionist:
I’m afraid that’s nonnegotiable! You need to exit!
Poop:
What is happening?!
Receptionist:
Here come the runs!
[People wearing black hoodies race across the screen as the alarm continues to sound.]
Doctor Rich:
So, forced evacuation… I suppose, this could happen mechanically (by either using an enema or something), that could speed up the process. But again — that’s not the food that you ate twelve or twenty–four hours ago.
Hotel Vagina Receptionist [to a character labeled “Hormones,” concerned]:
Next door just cleared out!
[“Hormones” gulps nervously as a confident woman wearing a jacket opens the door. This woman is labeled “Period.”]
Period [in a sing-song voice]:
Guess who?!
Doctor Rich [laughing]:
Leave it up to Hayley to bring it back to gynecology!
So there is a relationship between the menstrual process and your bowel function. There are several major factors — two of which would be something called prostaglandins. Prostaglandins are fatty acids that have a number of…they’re a hormone-like substance. They’re involved in inflammation, in pain — and they’re also involved in causing uterine contractions that allow for the menstrual period. When you’re getting period poops, you can blame hormones and prostaglandins.
Now in women with uterine abnormalities or pelvic disease (like endometriosis or fibroids), there’s more tissue — and there’s actually more prostaglandins! And so, you’re more likely to have disruptive bowel symptoms during your period. [To the videographer] Jonathan, how are we gonna outdo the Butt Hole-tel?
Jonathan [offscreen]
I don’t think we can.
Doctor Rich:
She’s going to try…
[Second video begins. A woman is sitting at a computer with the sign “Hotel Vagina.”]
Receptionist:
Hello! Welcome to Hotel Vagina…
Doctor Rich [laughing]:
Back in Hotel Vagina…
[In the doorway, the backs of two lawn chairs shimmy through the doorway. They are labeled “Speculum.”]
Receptionist [horrified]:
Holy sh*$!
Hormones:
What the hell is that? [To a woman captioned “Orgasm”] Is this one of your guests?!
Orgasm [confused]:
I don’t think so…
Doctor Rich [laughing]:
So she’s got two lawn chairs coming through the door — which is the speculum, and I suppose that’s how people feel about that exam!
So I’ve never seen a lawn chair-size speculum. They’re much smaller. [Looking around] You know what — we ordered some! Jonathan, check my bag — I think I might have some…
[Jonathan hands a bag to Doctor Rich.]
We’re trialing these plastic ones. I’m a gynecologist, so it’s not weird that I have speculums in my bag. All right — so these are two different examples.
[Holds up a wider speculum]. This would be along the lines of what we call a Graves speculum. It’s a little bit larger.
[Holds up a thinner speculum]. This is a Pederson — it’s a little bit more narrow. Different patients would be a candidate for those different types. Someone who’s had multiple deliveries, (to get better visualization) would probably need the Graves speculum. And the patient who’s never had a delivery (or is not sexually active) would use the Pederson — or maybe even a smaller one. But I’m sure they probably look like a lawn chair to the patient, either way!
[A woman in a Hazmat-style suit and holding a broom enters. She’s captioned “Swab.”]
Swab:
Are you the cervix?
Receptionist:
Look, I’m going to need to take your details before you start poking around in here, okay?
Swab [aggressively mopping the floor]:
Yes. I’ll just find her myself, then.
Receptionist [alarmed]:
Excuse me! This is a self-cleaning establishment. You can NOT do that in here!
Doctor Rich:
So the mop is meant to be the analog for the little brush that we use to take the cervical cells to test for cervical cancer in the case of a Pap — or some other type of swab to detect other types of infections. This is actually a pretty ingenious analogy!
So she’s got the cervical brush that’s a mop because it cleans. And then she indicates that the vagina is a “self-cleaning environment” — which is absolutely true.
So, for every cell in your body, there’s one to ten bacterial cells living with you, in your cells, in your body. So there are normal bacteria that live in the colon, normal bacteria that live in the bladder, the gut, and the vagina. So there’s lactobacillus, which creates an acidic-like environment, and prevents infections from growing in the vagina.
So anything you would do to try to clean the self-cleaning the vagina (douching… any kind of irrigation…) will wash out the good bacteria and allow for opportunistic infection (bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections, most commonly).
Hormones [watching in horror as the Swab scrubs a woman in a red hoodie called Cervix]:
What is he doing?!
Receptionist:
This is an invasion! A red alert!
Cervix [on the floor, being scrubbed with a mop]:
It’s got me! It’s got me! It’s good for me! It’s too late for me! Save yourselves!
Receptionist [urgently phoning in backup]:
We’re going to need some help down here immediately! [Surprised] Oh?
Cervix [smiling and kicking her leg]:
Actually…I don’t hate it…
Doctor Rich [laughing]:
All right… Well — I have no place to get into THAT conversation!
But, the Pap should not be an invasion. It should not be a painful process. And while I acknowledge and understand that many women have had a bad experience with this exam, when done correctly, it should not be painful and it should not be avoided! Because we do cervical cancer screening in the US (and other industrialized nations), it is the least common gynecologic malignancy. In the developing world where cervical cancer screening is not done, — it’s the leading cause of cancer deaths among women! Blood draws, colonoscopies, PAP exams… no one’s canceling their trip to Hawaii to get these things! But they are an important part of healthcare screening for early detection and prevention of cancer.
Remember, even if you’re staying at the “A-Hotel” — you don’t have to dig too deep to hit the subscribe button right there!
