Were you scrolling TikToks about vaginas? Me too. Today we’re going to react to Hayley Morris’s “Hotel Vagina!”
Don’t have time to read this post? Watch the video here instead!
[Woman sits at a reception desk with a computer labeled “Hotel Vagina.” A woman representing a period comes up to the desk with luggage labeled back pain, emotional breakdowns, and cramps. All characters are played by Hayley Morris.]
Concierge:
Welcome to Hotel Vagina! Do you have a reservation with us?
Period [sassily]:
Yeah, kind of… I’m here every month!
Concierge [nervously]:
Oh my God… It’s you! I’m so sorry… You’re early?
Period:
Surprise!
Concierge [glancing anxiously at her luggage]:
Wonderful. We’ve just got you for the five nights… Right?
Period:
Yep! I don’t pack light.
Concierge [snapping her fingers to get the attention of bellhop captioned “Hormones”]:
Great. We’ll, um…. I’ll just get someone to take the bags to the room for you.
Hormones:
Now, I hate to do this, but I am a big fan!
Doctor Rich [laughing]:
VIP!
Period [annoyed]:
Right. Can you be careful with all of this?
Hormones:
Yes!
Doctor Rich:
Checking into “Hotel Vagina!” So periods can check in early in normal cycle intervals — anywhere from twenty-five to thirty-five days. A common reason for irregular periods is polycystic ovarian syndrome (or PCOS), and you can check out that video here.
So female hormones are estrogen in the first half of the cycle and progesterone in the second half of the cycle. And “Hormones” here are a big fan of the Period showing up.
Concierge:
Okay, brilliant. So we’ve got you booked in the Uterus Suite with free calls to all body parts… Have a great stay.
Period [ominously]:
Oh, I will!
[The video screen reads “6 Days Later”]
Doctor Rich [laughing]:
Six days later! So the uterus, the periods, and the inflammatory mediators that are produced in the uterus during the period can affect basically every part of the body. They can cause nausea, headaches, pelvic pain, fatigue…
Concierge [nervously]:
Look, I am so sorry to disturb you. We’ve given you an additional night with no questions asked, but we’re going to have to ask you to leave now. You have outstayed your welcome.
Period [carelessly]:
You know what? I think I’m actually going to extend my stay!
Concierge:
No! We can’t actually do that… We are fully booked at the moment — and we do have a guest waiting to check into this room!
Doctor Rich:
So periods not only can start unpredictably — but they can stay longer than slated (or longer than they’re welcome). Again, there are a number of reasons for this. It could be based on:
- abnormalities with the hormones,
- extremes of weight (underweight/overweight),
- infections,
- endometriosis,
- as well as other endocrine problems like thyroid disease that primarily have nothing to do with the female reproductive tract.
Not to mention uterine problems like fibroids, polyps, and even cancer.
So if your periods are going on for too long — and that happens consistently — go see your doctor. Have that checked out.
Period [relaxing on the bed with a glass of wine]:
Ah, this is the life!
Concierge [frustrated]:
It’s like having a bloody squatter!
[Hayley Morris inside a pink sleeping bag comes to the door]
Penis:
So can I check in now?
[Second video begins. The Concierge sees Period arriving and picks up the phone]
Concierge [whispering into the phone]:
Oh God… I think we’re gonna need security down at the front desk, please!
Period [aggressively]:
Hi, I’m checking in!
Concierge [nervously]:
Yes. I’m so sorry. We have actually been trying to contact you. Unfortunately, we’ve had to move your booking to next week.
Period:
Um… I don’t think so! This is the same slot I have every month!
Concierge:
Right… You see… We’ve unfortunately had a guest extend their stay for an extra seven nights.
Period:
Well, why don’t you front march them out of here and give me my room key!
[Security arrives]
Security:
You need to leave.
Period:
Excuse me?!
Security [multiplying, now two people]:
We’re gonna have to escort you off the property.
Period:
Is this some kind of bloody joke?!
Security [now three people]:
We said, “Leave!”
Period:
What the hell has gotten into you?! Can you get me a manager?
Doctor Rich:
All right — I’m going to guess that the multiplying hormones represent the actual pharmacologic treatment with birth control pills.
Women make estrogen and progesterone in the ovary every month, and that results in the period — or the withdrawal rather, results from the period. Birth control is a higher dose of estrogen or progesterone that prevents ovulation (or the egg from being released from the ovary). And as long as the hormones continue, the body doesn’t have a period. Now many pill packs will have three rows of hormones and one rule of placebos — and the placebo will mimic that withdrawal and cause a period. But there are a number of birth control pills now that go for three months at a time without a period on purpose to prevent the period from coming back — and only happening seasonally.
Concierge:
I AM the manager.
Period [angrily]:
I’ve been coming here for fifteen years!
Concierge:
It’s out of our control! Unfortunately, the hotel owner signed this up.
Period:
Is that so? Well, just to let you know — I’m going to have a lot of extra bags when I check in!
[Woman captioned “Contraception Pill” peeks her head out of the room]
Contraception Pill:
Sorry to disturb — can I get some fresh towels in the room? The ones you shape like swans?
Concierge:
Absolutely — we’ll be right on it!
Period:
This is a hostile takeover!
Contraceptive Pill [dismissively]:
Nothing hostile here, babe! Wow. Is she always this emotional?
Doctor Rich:
Yeah, so I guess I nailed that one on the head! So it’s the contraceptive pill that you essentially can regulate your period however you want. It just depends on how long you can continue the estrogen/progesterone. And even with the regular pill pack, if you throw away the placebos and you go straight into the next pack — that continuous hormone will essentially indefinitely prevent the period from coming.
There are a number of medical reasons why we will do that. We’ll write these long-term prescriptions for women who have very heavy periods from fibroids or polyps or just dysfunctional bleeding (hormonal abnormal bleeding).
Well thank you, Haley, for making periods, contraception, and period abnormalities extremely relatable!
